I AM The God Who Is Holy
With Martha Kilpatrick and hosted by John Enslow
Special guests: Jennifer Wentzel, Carole Nelson and Julie
(M) You know , I’m still brooding on the scriptures, the three that I mentioned that say, “If anyone will follow Me, let him deny himself, take up his cross daily”, then follow Me. So many want to follow Him without denying self, without having a cross, and so they don’t, they really don’t… You have to deny self and take up your cross daily, or you will not be following Him. And that’s, that’s, that’s where I’m just brooding, and sometime I’ll do a message on it. But that’s, it is a constant daily denial of yourself and what you want, what you feel, what you think, a denial of what you even think. It’s to disown, reject, cast away, disregard, have no interest in, lose your own interest and your opinions and yourself. It’s… Even my desire, I’ve had to lose my desire to finish the booklet I’m supposed to be doing right now. I’ve had to lose ‘my’ desire for it to be done. That has had to die, strangely, that is, though God wants to write it, He is in no hurry, and I am. So I’ve not been in harmony with Him because I feel the responsibility to perform it because it’s promised, and it’s got to be done, and He’s saying, ‘phffffffouuu, ‘No’. And I even fretted about not having the tape out on the first of the month, and He said, “This tape will go out when I send it.” And then He showed me where it would be sent here today in this group where we taped it. But it’s, it’s, He is… I’m so impacted by His saying to Israel over and over again, ‘and to all the nations I did this so that you will know I am God’. We really don’t know He is God. We really don’t. We don’t know He’s God, we don’t know He’s holy, and so He has to shock us into that knowledge that He is really God, and He will do it and He will not let me do it, and He will not even let me contribute to it by any effort from my flesh. He will, He will not let me have my way, and that I have to bow my neck and kiss the hand that disappoints me so that I discover that He is not a disappointment. But first I have to deny myself, take up my cross everyday, that daily is what pierces me. ‘And’ follow Me, it’s not following Him if it’s fulfilling self and avoiding the cross that crosses me up and says no to me and pierces me. So there’s very few that follow Him, really. Ok, Jennifer’s got it.
(Jennifer) Ok, very few that follow Him. But I was sitting here also thinking that very few that experience the miraculous, the wonder here on earth. Uhmm, we don’t really think about that, but one of the things that I’ve thought about a lot lately in the gift that it is to be in a functioning Body of Christ with present and loving chastening and truth and reality, His reality, is how much it stands out because it’s so rare. How many people out there have actually really received a compliment; and I don’t mean a compliment as in flattery or something surface, I mean a genuine expression of love and approval and encouragement coming from someone who has seen you, really seen you. Ok? Who knows the depths of you and the heights of His vision for you, and who has guarded your soul. How many people have received something like that, that’s not empty, that’s not even about me or something I did or earned or anything like that. But that means that I am now functioning in His reality, an acknowledgement that I have a place in His family, and that the life of Christ in me pleases Him. I don’t even know if I’m saying this right, but I have been… you know my past is full of enormous self-pity and projection on other people, and falsities, saying what I knew people wanted to hear because I wanted them to love me, to approve of me, to like me even, whatever. But that’s the norm. Truth is not the norm. So receiving a gift like that, a gift of truth… John the Baptist, maybe that was the highest thing that was ever said to him, I don’t know. If you’ve lived your life the way John the Baptist lived his life, and I have to say as a young American woman, terrifying, no, ok? (Laughter in background.) But if that’s how you’ve lived your life; he was called in the womb, his mother… I’m so sorry. I don’t mean… I’m not being flippant about John the Baptist. (Laughter.)
(J) Well, it’s just funny.
(Jennifer) Ok. He gets to the end and he has a moment of doubt, because he’s a human being. He’s a prophet, he’s called, but he’s a human being, just like we are all human beings. And we read it and we say, oh, well that doesn’t seem very soft. It doesn’t seem soft. But he was acknowledged by the Son of God, the Son of God acknowledged his doubt, answered it completely. And more than that guarded his soul by saying, “Do not be offended in Me.” He gave; He guarded his soul even at the very end, knowing everything. And I don’t know, I think it is a rare, terrible gift maybe, but a gift none-the-less. I look at the truths that I’ve received from people, the reality that’s acknowledged, and I’m not given placating lies, I’m not left in the pig-sty of my own making. I’m not, you know, we look around and we see that for so many people, that’s what they are offered. And that’s what they’re offered in the name of God. And I’m sorry, but I do, I could sit down and weep for a month over that alone and saying oh God, oh please let them experience even a small amount of the gift that is You coming, in whatever form, where You say ‘this is My comfort’, ‘this is how I will comfort you’. And Martha said that to me one time. She said, “You don’t wait for the Holy Spirit to come and comfort you.” And I didn’t; and I assume I’m not alone in that respect, which is why I’m admitting it so openly. Come on, people. Uhmm, you know, like turn to things, lots of things. But, she also said, “When you wait, it’s not going to necessarily be comfort like you think you deserve”, the petting, uhmm, the hugging, whatever. We always think we deserve something soft and snuggly.
(Jennifer) And that’s not necessarily comfort.
(Jennifer) And the truth is, I’ve been comforted quite a bit with ‘not snuggly’; but it’s complete comfort.
(Jennifer) Because it’s truth, it’s for my sanctification, so it’s for Him. And it’s amazing!
(J) I always tell Him how to be God. Ok, Your, Your comfort is this snuggly little, you know, pillow, or whatever.
(J) And, He’s not going to allow me to tell Him how to be God.
(Jennifer) No. But it is a gift I think, for those who are willing for the daily cross. It is not without reward. And Martha said that too, in “Going For The Prize”. Every step toward Jesus Christ is reward. And I don’t usually think about truth, acknowledging reality, calling to account, holding the line of authority. I don’t think of those things as rewards, humanly, but I know what my life was like without them, and it was death, and it was torment, and it was misery, because deep down I knew. People can say whatever they want, I’m not a nice person, and I’m not a good person, and my life’s not ok, and I’m not full of potential, and I’m… You know what I mean? Like these things, they mean nothing when, when you glimpse, and I was a consummate liar, so I had very touch and go with reality, you know? I avoided it as much as possible. But even, even a liar occasionally touches down, and that being the case, truth is a gift, I’m sorry, it is.
(Carole) When I listen to Jen, I know that she’s gone through, uhm, the cross. I don’t know all of her crosses. I don’t know probably any of her crosses, but I know that she has. And the reason I know that she has is because what I see, and what I’ve experienced in relationship with you is the fruit of those crosses is that you have received the height and depth, the width and the length of God’s love to a degree that I am… I long for that. I think that you have so, uhmm, worked through the cross and you’ve come through… it says, “The goodness of God should lead us to repentance.” And real true repentance is seeing, I think, that first and foremost who we are and what we have done is against God and God alone. And as He, as we walk into that experience, that repentance, and He washes us in the Blood of Jesus Christ completely, then what I’ve seen in you, Jen, is your reward has been the love of Christ in your heart; the very foundation of a relationship with Him. And that is what we’re after, really and truly, is that not? Is that not what my heart aches for is to understand, not just understand, but to experience in the depths of my being the love of Jesus Christ. To know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter what I do, no matter what mistakes or what failings that I incur, no matter what that He loves me? He will chasten me, but out of that chastening, what I see in your life is the love of God in reality.
(Jennifer) Ok, that’s uhmm, Carole made me cry a little bit, but that’s kind of exactly what I was talking about. Carole is my sister in this Body, and Carole has seen me ah, trying to be good, and being very bad, and being very ugly; she’s seen all of that. I’m known by Carole, I’m not hidden from Carole, so when Carole talks about that, and talks about the love of God, and seen the fruit of whatever work He’s done in me, that has value. That has value beyond, you know, someone who doesn’t know me ‘in and out’, because my spirit’s responding to your spirit. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it’s uhmm, it’s, it’s really hearing the truth, as, as He gives it to someone in your life, because we can’t always see. I cant’ see about me, I’m far more apt to focus on my every failing, than I am on any fruit. And uhmm.
(Dana) You know the contrast of Samson, and John the Baptist, I mean both mothers were barren, an angel came to both with, you know, God had a purpose for both lives, and when Samson stepped out of that purpose was for comfort. Like the honey he ate, and you know, the women, and it doesn’t seem like John the Baptist did that, he did not step out for the comfort. Yet, God accomplished both, His purpose through both.
(J) Thank You Jesus! (John is laughing.) (There’s a comment in background. Everyone is laughing.)
(Carole) Well, that just summed the whole thing up!!! “I AM the Lord Who is holy, and I make holy.”