with Martha Kilpatrick and John Enslow
with Special Guest Jennifer W.
(Jennifer) When I went back to “The Great Lie”, which of course I did immediately, I was like, that popped out of my head and that’s there for a reason and… Ah in it Martha talks specifically about making peace with everyone in your life. “Make peace with Me” Heb.12:14. And she goes on to further explain the revelation He gave her about that, which is “Accept, accept, accept the life I have given you, desire no other life. When you receive the life I have given you, I will show you the life I have given you.” And you know I read “The Great Lie”, and was ah, cut to the quick by it, because it is fundamentally, is the root of everything. Not just the fall of man but the fall of Lucifer, it’s the root of everything. And I had said ok, Lord, I purpose to accept my life, here we go, accept, accept, accept. (Laughter) And you know I said it with all sincerity, I wasn’t kidding and I wasn’t being ‘flip’ about it. But there wasn’t I think a fundamental understanding of what exactly that meant. And where He took me was, ok, you’ve been in a prison of your own making. You built it brick by brick all around you. And ah, you have now recognized that, you’ve confessed, you’ve repented, you’ve surrendered, you’ve loved Me. So here I’ve thrown open the door to your prison and there’s light coming in and it’s chasing away the darkness in your prison. But am I still standing in the prison, albeit in the patch of light. But have I moved out, do I believe His covenant? Do I take the step further, the leap of faith and be completely vulnerable and say, ‘You are not a man that you should lie’. You do not trick me; You do not lie to me. You have said, if I do this, if I love You, if I obey You, if I hear Your voice, if I cling to You, these things, then my fortunes are restored, You have compassion on me and You gather me to You. This is a promise. So it’s not enough to just accept it and to just believe it. And I firmly believe that until that moment I was still in my prison. Albeit with the door open and standing in the chunk of light. But I hadn’t stepped out in it. I wasn’t living like a beloved daughter. I wasn’t living in the promise of His covenant, so I had not made the real leap of faith. Because I told John this, ah, I was sitting there, well it’s not really a leap of faith to believe in God, all you have to do is open your eyes and look at nature. And I’m sorry, but no matter how dark and cynical and just enraged at God I ever got, He was always there and it was always pretty obvious to me. Uhmm, so that was not a leap of faith for me to say I believe in You. Now it was a fundamental test of faith to say I believe that You are good. Not just that I believe in You, I believe that You are good, but the real leap of faith is me then saying, I believe You’re good and because You’re good You do not lie to me, this is a promise, I can step out and I will live ‘as Yours’.
(J) As one blessed.
(Jennifer) Exactly, in the blessing. In other words, if I had a child I would love that child. I already know because I’m an aunt, and I love my nephew. But, so, yes sometimes from their perspective would not make any sense, and they’d think me horribly cruel and wretched. But they would, I would provide for them. They would live in my love because I would shower them with it, whether they wanted it or not.
(Jennifer) It’d be all over them. All they’d have to do is say ok, I take it, and they’d get one hug after another. And I can’t imagine that God who is far beyond, who is love, who’s beyond even my imagination of what that relationship could be. I mean it’s really ah, the closest we have and yet it’s so paltry compared to our relationship with Him and how that should be. Uhmm, so how can I not, how can I imagine if He is good that my living in His love would be anything even or anything less than what I would imagine showering on a child of my own. So.
(J) It was amazing it just checked me. It said I know that you’ve gone through these processes, but are you, are you living to the extent of what He’s purchased for me. Are you really walking it out, and are you living as that blessed one, are you living as that one freed, or do you still dwell in your own condemnation or your own guilt, or your own whatever. And are you saying oh, but, but, you know whatever. No, the ‘buts’ are all gone, you know. And He took them. And ah, so that’s just, it was amazing to me when she said that.
(M) You know Jennifer, I learned a long time ago that every revelation is followed by a test. And I’ve learned that when I have a revelation to watch for the test. The test is not a schoolmaster. The test is to give you the opportunity to apply it so that it becomes your life. If it doesn’t become your life, it’s merely an idea, a nice idea you had one day. And sometimes the test is costly, and you sometimes have to really lay down your life for the revelation. You have to stand in the revelation against the onslaught sometimes. But that’s the mercy of God, to say, ok, quickly let’s get this thing sealed in reality, in your walk, in your, in your very thoughts and in your inner self. Have you, have you met the test of this?
(Jennifer) I would have to say no, because I haven’t felt an onslaught. But what I’ve… I feel a little bit like a newborn calf? Maybe like I’m just sort of shaking it out, kind of wobbly and ridiculous looking. But what I’ve done so far is… You know, it wasn’t the giddiness I guess, and that’s the reason that I mentioned the giddiness before, of going through “Blessing Or Curse”, and literally revoking curses and seeing where there’s walls in your life. It wasn’t that giddiness; it was a deeper, just peace, and just you know, what in the world. If you truly believe that God is good, if you truly believe that He is not lying to you, then it is ridiculous to stay in a prison. You’re missing everything.
(Jennifer) You’re not living your life. You’re not truly accepting your life if you’re not moving, if you’re not living. And you can’t be staying in that and, and still be living in His love. Because it’s, it’s not. So what I have done is add to my morning and evening prayer. So it seems a little dry to say that, but I, I do have a list. I’ve made a list and I’ve now got eight things that I hit on every morning and evening, because it bears reminding because I don’t want to forget that, if that makes sense. So no, I don’t believe I’ve been tested. Well I don’t… This is one that I don’t want to let go. You know, uhmm my most basic need, and I’m as desperate as anyone else, but I would probably say more desperate because I’m in me, for love, and for His love. And it bears constant reminder after years and years of listening to the other voice. It bears constant reminder to say ‘you are beloved’. But that is such a hard thing. So you know, I say it morning and evening. And I say it because sometimes I feel it, and I get it, yes, that is right, I am beloved, You are my Father, You are my provider, You’re everything. And other times I say it and I’m like wow, I really don’t feel that right now. I can’t get past the fact that I’m a wretch, you know? And so there’s blockage there.
(Jennifer) So for me it’s just day in and day out saying it until, you know, on some fundamental level ‘I get it’.
(M) That is wonderful Jennifer. What an example for us. That is just wonderful. You’re committed to the revelation.
(Jennifer) I want it that badly. And I guess that’s the thing, I’ve never, I mean things that we want that badly we do chase, we do pursue. I want to be a beloved daughter. I want to live in light. I want to have Someone else shoulder the burdens and the cares, because I can’t do it. And the last twelve years have not been in waste because I’ve seen day in and day out how desolate me being in charge, me being in rebellion, me making that choice is. So no, I don’t want to lose that, and I will pursue this. (Laughter) And I will be a small child in that I will demand it; I’ll say here’s Your covenant, You said, You promised me, I’m holding You to it. I need to be Your daughter, so I’m Your daughter, love me. You know. (Laughter together) I mean I, it’s just it, that’s all it can be.
(M) Well that’s being a child. It’s wonderful.
(J) You said something this morning (Martha); you were talking about our rebellion, our rebellion even of the abuse of the authorities that have been put over us, even our parents. That struck me so hard that I thought OK, I’ve rebelled because I’ve resisted what God has chosen in my parents say, so to speak, or ah teachers or you know. I have rebelled against that, but that is the person that’s been placed in my life so it still is rebellion. I’d love for you to… I mean that is just… I’m literally in, I’m in rebellion if I don’t accept the authorities that God has placed in my life and even their abuse, as part of my story.
(M) Well when God begins to plumb the depths of you in the end of your childhood… Uhmm, I was a very ah timid little girl, rather quiet and meek. And my father was very harsh with me, but when God began to deal with that He showed me that inside of me was a willful little girl, very, very willful. And I told the story that I don’t think this group had ever heard that my father told me when I was a teenager, he would go out of town to work and he would say… My mother was dead, so he would say do not drive that car to school. Well I drove it to school. Well that was the very day he came back early and he found the car. Well he didn’t do anything bad to me, but ah, I was utterly horrified to be caught. And it wasn’t pretty though it was well deserved. But I was making the point that when you see from God’s perspective what He put in your life in deliberate design… He showed me, I taught you through your father to obey blindly, and to obey God. And he taught, my father taught me the fear of God. And otherwise I don’t know where I would be today, if my father hadn’t been a little bit on the edge of doing the, too much discipline with me. Ah, in some ways my spirit was crushed, but that didn’t matter, God resurrected it. And I was just making it very personal because to make peace with your life as under His goodness and His intimate knowledge of you as a person, His deep, deep understanding of what you need most; and that all children, all of us, are born with a base of pride and independence. And God did, God did a lot in my childhood to form me, He formed me environmentally shall I say. And to be in rebellion to that would be to miss… He shows you the life He’s given you.
(M) He showed me the life He’d given me, and it is one where I have a healthy fear of God and I know how to obey Him, and I praise Him for my father who taught me that in, in somewhat of a difficult way. And it’s, anything less than cherishing that parent that God used… And the, one of the, the most devastating thing of my youth, and up for twenty-five years was the death of my mother when I was fifteen. And I cherish that God took her, because He has shown me His divine design and purpose in that. Ultimately that was His plan for me. It, it broke me as a teenager and yet that is the person He was forming. So…