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Salvation of LOVE
Episode #139
with Martha Kilpatrick and John Enslow
With special guest Holly Nelson
(M) And this is our dear Holly Nelson, who I have known from the time her mother was pregnant with her.
(Holly) Ok, let’s see. There are a lot of similarities between Jen and I. I always knew God was there. I didn’t, I didn’t possess a doubt that He existed. I quite enjoyed loathing Him actually; it was really good for me, it kept me going somehow. Uhmm, I liked it, and I would tell Him often how much I hated Him. I think uhmm, what has come up, or what I’ve come to is that ah, my hate for God, was just such a desperation to admit… how much He loved me. Uhmm, love is, and has been my… I don’t like it, I haven’t liked it, I don’t understand it, and I think I decided that ah, love wasn’t possible. I didn’t want it to be possible I think, and ah… My understanding of love was that with love comes punishment, and with love comes pain. And uhm, the amazing thing is that I have found that in my inability to love, which is very true, I’m just not, it’s not possible, I can’t. God has shown me how to love so many people since I allowed Him to love me. It’s been amazing. My desperation came when I had my second child. (Laughter) And I said, I really, ‘ooou’, I don’t know if I should say this, don’t love my children very much at all. And I really don’t love myself. And my desperation was, when I went to Martha, I said, “God, I have… God is going to have to make me who He created me to be. I can’t do this. God is going to have to make me the parent that He intended me to be, because I can’t do this. I’m a mess. I do not love these little people.” And amazingly, about a week before I went to see Martha, I had this horrible screaming fit with my husband, telling just how much I did dislike my children, and I did hate being a mother. And uhmm, amazingly the gift has been that I love them so much. And more than that, I love so much knowing how God loves me, and how much He loves my children, and how much He loves David, and how much of that love He’s given me, inside me, for them. (Holly is speaking tearfully now) Today is very exciting; it’s very special, because I don’t like to hold hands with God in public. I’ve been embarrassed of my new life. And the reason it’s important is because David’s here. And I am proclaiming to everyone, particularly to David, that this is my new life, that I am new; and that I am able to love you and the girls because of that love. (Spoken through many tears) Excuse me. And that’s the only way. And I want you to know how special my relationship with Him is, and how important you know that the reason, the how that I can love you, and the how that I can love them, is because of the love that He’s given me. And I’m glad you’re here. I think that about sums it up. (Laughter)
(M) That deeply sums it up.
(Holly) Can I share one more thing?
(M) Sure.
(Holly) This doesn’t have to be on tape, this is just to share with everybody. Ok. Uhmm. This week has been a real struggle because uhmm, I felt like I wasn’t ready for baptism, I was doing something wrong. I don’t know how else to explain it. I wasn’t ‘right’. Something… I don’t know, but God cleared it up for me. Uhmm, my favorite saying is ‘I get that’. ‘I got it’ this morning. But I said, “Oh, God, I don’t know where I am this morning, You’re just going to have to take me,” and amazingly He took me to yet again an amazing place. I just want to share this scripture with you guys. “You have finished with sin.” My baptism today is about this, ok. “You have finished with sin. You won’t spend the rest of your lives chasing your own desires. But you will be anxious to do the will of God. You have had enough in the past.” Today is my proclamation, my announcement that I do believe that I am dead; I really believe it. And I really believe that today I am choosing to allow the new creation, Jesus in me, and the Holy Spirit to God. That’s my proclamation; that’s today. I just wanted to share that with you guys.
(M) That is a perfect description of it, Holly. That’s perfect. I’m glad that was on tape; I need it. (Martha laughs) Since you’ve got the mike, and since the Holy Spirit’s on you, would you pray, and then we’ll go to the waters? Can you do it? (Martha laughs)
(Prayer off tape)
(M) Ok, Amen.
(J) And Amen.
(M) Well I was, just wanted to tell everybody this group has been together 35 years, some of us. And as I’ve said I first knew Carole when she was pregnant with you, and ah, we’ve been through a lot of waters, some real dark, over the years. And uhmm, let’s see, I guess, how many years has Carole been with me now?
(Holly) Well I’m thirty… (Background talking) Well I’ll be 34…
(M) Ok, so I’ve been with Carole and Don 35 years. And Julie, it’s been eight? Is that right? And John, fifteen going on sixteen… Dave and Joan almost seventeen years. But this is the new generation, the next generation coming in. And my daughter would have been here if she could have. That’s another part of this generation. But you two don’t know what new life, what new fresh vision you’re bringing in among us. And it’s just, you’re just absolutely delightful because you see things, and ah, and you’re really so terribly honest. (Martha laughs) Our older generation was a little bit more pretentious than you are. But you have thrown aside everything false and religious, and you just come right in with the, the bottom line. And you’re just such a blessing, such a new, new, almost a new world for us, for you to be in, and I can’t tell you what a delight and a challenge you are; and what you’re bringing to us, such a blessing in this new generation. And I just wanted to add that to it. And there will be more even of the next generation down, to come in. And ah, so it’s, it’s been a, a long-term lesson for me. And my daughter’s told it to me many times: your family is those who do the will of God. And so you’re coming in, not just to a group of people who’ve been around a long time, you’re coming into your family, as family, as church. And that is a phenomena I wanted to see before I died, and I’m seeing it. It’s just… You can’t know what your coming in, and what you’re bringing to us means to me. It’s just such reality. And I’m very, very grateful to God for giving us the gift of you two.
