The Hidden Life Rule
With Martha Kilpatrick and hosted by John Enslow
Special guests: Carole Nelson, Jennifer Wentzel, and Jim Pierce
(M) I just realized that we had an experience of ruling and reigning. That’s what that was, of His rule, His reign. Carole sees it one way, Julie expresses it another, but it was His rule and reign that was your rock and your security. We won’t know the story ever in this life, if there was anything changed, if there were any people changed. We won’t know, but it cannot not be other. As Carole says, “we have a light, and it shines in the dark”. And it’s not… We will never be aware of what Christ does through us; just as well not try to figure it out. But just beg for His presence and to be in His presence. I was an observer of everything that day, observing and experiencing Him. And that’s to me, that’s the most exquisite life there could be.
(J) I stepped out of the observing role; I wasn’t observing.
(Carole) But, but you know what, John? Martha just said it. You were crying out for His presence. You were doing the same thing, and I guess you just… You were crying out for His presence.
(Carole) And He was teaching you.
(Carole) Before He was teaching you, and then you learned afterwards, like He does. He walks you through. But you, she was crying out for His presence, you were crying out His presence, and you weren’t seeing it, but He’s shown you.
(J) Well, that’s true, and the weird thing is that what you went through in the morning is what I went through there. And I just couldn’t take it. I was like, this is really awful. (John laughs.)
(Jennifer) Well, I actually didn’t want to put mine on tape, because I thought, well I don’t know if I was really off kilter or what? (Jennifer laughs.) I had such an experience of His sovereignty yesterday. It was amazing. (She laughs.) A little background. It wasn’t that long ago that I lived in Atlanta, and that I was not His. And one of the big things that developed over time was anxiety attacks that I had in places where there were a lot of people.
(J) Oh ‘my-gosh’ I never even thought that. I never even, wow.
(Jennifer) There was never really a, you know, sometimes I had them in grocery stores, sometimes I was shopping, it just… It got to the point where I really (she laughs) was becoming reclusive, just because there’s nothing more awkward than breaking out into a heavy sweat and the shakes in the public, you know?; (she laughs) People looking at you not knowing what’s going on thinking, wow, she had a ‘binder’ last night, I don’t know. So, I was a little concerned. It’s been awhile since I’ve had anything like that. I thought, ok, we’re going to Atlantic Station. I’m familiar with Atlantic Station, and it’s a bit of a ‘Carney’ hot spot on the best of days, you know? And I just, I just didn’t know, and I just said ok, it’s going to be fine, we’re all going for a reason, and so I’m just going to trust that it’s fine. And usually in situations like that, seeing people, it’s almost like a weight. I would always feel just this weight coming down on me. There’s so much need and desperation just flying off people. Just this, oh, there’s just so much pain. And probably because I was in it myself, you know, I don’t know how much of that was projection, but uhm, this time it was just… I remember marveling as we were walking through and thinking, it feels so intact. (she laughs) That’s how I was viewing it. So I wasn’t picking up on anything that was going on. I was like what is so intact. And I was looking around at people and, you know, there were definately some obvious displays of disrespecting of self, I will say, whether in the clothing or whatever. I mean it’s pretty normal. And all I thought was, oh the things we do to be loved and to be cherished and to make a connection with someone, to be known, to… you know, that, that’s… And I can remember. I can remember the excitement of going out and going anywhere was the hope that I would make a connection, that someone would see me, really me, and that I would have a chance to see them, really them. That it, that it would be this, not just the superficial, you know, that search for something deeper, and that, that true intimacy, basically. And at the same time I said, wow, because the Lord’s got all of them, He’s completely over every last bit of it, and I don’t know what He’s doing in all of these separate lives, but His hand is huge, and it’s just… And so I was just loving people, you know, and I was just like, oh, wow. And there were all these precious little kids, and I was like oh, I’m going to run by and pick that one up and kidnap him and take him home and feed him and love him and you know, I mean I was just being an absolute ridiculous ‘goof-ball’; uhm, because for the first time I’m out there, and it was chaos, and it was loud and it’s hot and it was rediculous, you know? And I felt pretty comfortable, really, through the whole thing, and I was kind of marveling at that too, because I said, (she giggles) “Lord, what, what’s going on? I’m not…” You know this would normally be the part where I start looking for a quiet spot, or say I’m going to go visit the car for a minute, or you know, something. And I was just ‘ouuu’! And met up with my sister and her husband and I just couldn’t stop touching them. I couldn’t stop putting my arm around them or rubbing their back, or you know. (Jennifer laughs.) They’re going to think I’m a complete weirdo, but I wanted to just grab each one of them up and just be like, ‘I love you, I love you, I love you, ‘Ouuu’, I love you so much!’ And I became kind of ridiculous because I was squelching that, you know, that would have been a bit of a stretch maybe and invaded some personal space. But that’s where I was. So, I’m just looking at the whole thing and going, wow, man, it was almost like I could just see, and the pain and all the rest of it was completely under Him, and none of it was beyond His reach and so all of it was just, it was all perfect. I don’t know, I just… (Jennifer laughs.) So I’m looking through and I seeing that, and the Bodies exhibit, and I’m just saying, oh, this is amazing, and seeing the people very quiet and looking at this. And I’m like, “Lord, You’re pulling them through and You’re showing them how fearfully and wonderfully made we are, and what’s there; and for all the people that are in pain and all the rest of it, You’re the One writing their story.” I’ve been in pain, and look where I am now, and so all of this can change in a dime. And I just, at that I was so thankful and grateful to be with all of you and to be where we were. And even in the chaos and the rest of it, I just had this peace, and just this feeling of ‘intactness’ that was completely and totally Him because it was utterly foreign to me. And…
(M) You’re making me see, Jennifer, that what I saw and what you saw, ‘there’s no problem’. There was no oh ‘my-gosh’, these poor people; there’s none of that, it was just, there was no problem, in all the bizarre and, and, and worldly things that were going on, and He was in charge. I didn’t realize that.
(Jennifer) Well, He is the Author, and I don’t know, you know. I barely know my own story. The truth is I don’t even know half of my own story. I know what I’m cognizant of, and that’s very little, you know? (Jennifer laughs.) And so I have no idea what these stories are going to be.
(Jennifer) And ah, we could have ended up walking past some of the most awesome ‘books’ that God’s ever going to write. I don’t know. But I just, I had such a, just kind of a cheerful, oh! (Jennifer laughs.) So I wasn’t, I wasn’t really aware of you guys. I’m sorry, I wasn’t. (she laughs) It was just something, it was a completely new experience of Him. And I think it was a gift, for Him to show me that… Lately I’ve been thinking, you know, “I don’t really feel like I’ve come nearly where I should have Lord, and I’m not nearly where I’d like to be.” Right? Well, I’ve been dealing with that, and last night I went to bed with a smile on my face, because I said, “Look what You’ve done. Look at that!” And it was just kind of a ‘wow’ for me, so, that was my day.
(Jim) Some of the things I do all my life were exactly the opposite reasons; aloneness and too much quiet, and He completely relieved me of that for the first time in forty years, because one of the many blessings in my life was to know He just took that away. So I can go through a night of sleep and not have those same fears that you had in rooms full of people or whatnot. I’m, I’m not familiar with that type of anxiety. It’s just amazing and another miracle to know that He saves us from whatever the enemy throws at us from whatever direction, even if it’s the same thing from a different angle.
(Jim) Wonderful, wonderful story, thank you for sharing that.
(Jennifer) Absolutely. It’s really finally getting to the place where you have peace inside your own skin.