The Raw Pain Of Choice
April 7, 2013
With Martha Kilpatrick and hosted by John Enslow
Special guests: Carole Nelson and Gunter
(M) Ok, but the thing I want to reiterate, the thing I want to so emphasize, is that it all takes place, like John says, ‘I will’, ‘I will’. And we have the choice. The whole…God’s creation of this thing called Christianity and humanity; the whole thing at its core and root is choice. Satan had five I will’s, and we never think choice is enough, we never think it’s very powerful, yet powerful that we’ve chosen, as John says, to put those hooks in our, in our arm, to hold on. We choose the tethers, and we can un-choose the tethers. That’s the power we have. If we could ever get it, that what God shows us presents a choice always, the cross presents choice. Will you keep this, or will you allow Me to cut the tether, or as a surgeon remove the cancer? Are you willing? You have to be willing ever and always willing, so at the core of it, the solution is done. The only thing remaining is for me to choose. I will bow my will to Your will, and I will be Yours. I will not be mine and I will not be Satan’s.
(J) The thing that I appreciate about that is that it puts the power in my hands and I’m not a victim of the situation. This is not something that oh, I’ve been this and that and the other thing; no, I, I did it, so I can remove it. I can choose against what I’ve chosen.
(M) One of the most difficult things… I, I began in inner-healing when there was no title for it, no books written many years ago. And I think, I left it; I left it instinctively as a ministry. One, I couldn’t find a scriptural basis for that in itself. I could find scriptures about it, but I could not find that ministry. The other thing was I instinctively came to know that it’s all about responsibility. I was working with someone yesterday and I said, “You were completely responsible.” And the person said, “Yes, I know that.” And I said, “No, you really don’t.” You really believe, and we don’t really ‘get it’, that we respond to situations out of that satanic sin nature. And so therefore we are responsible for every single choice we have ever made. I say that to the point I think people want me to shut up. But really, we choose from the womb. We are given that before we are given rational thought or voice or understanding of any kind. Instinctively we choose. And in every… So that obliterates any offense that there could ever be against me; that eliminates it. It is my response of resistance to God of, or acquiescing to the false god. Do you see? We are responsible for where we are, and we will be held accountable before God, because we had the choice. And we are ever… You choose the wrong way, I’ve said this to people, you choose the wrong way quite easily. You choose the insanity very readily. You can choose, do you understand? You are choosing every second of your life. And about this sin nature we can choose. And now, hopefully by this message, I understand that I have the power to decide where I’m going to be, utterly, complete and in my hands, the power, as John said. That’s the liberty that you’re feeling, is that you have the choice. And if I choose it and pray it strongly enough, then I will be free of that old nature, because I am. If I choose to believe and work to believe, and sometimes I have to memorize to believe, I have to pray to believe. I will say, “I choose to believe”, but I know I don’t. So I have to do the work, as Jesus said, of believing in the Son whom He has sent. So I memorize something, or I stay in something in the scriptures, or I repeat it, or I, I pray it and keep on looking to Him, Jesus, Who is the Author and Finisher of our faith. So it’s the choice is to lead to the faith that you’ve been heard and it’s done. And God responds according to the choice. If your choice is weak, then you’ll find His response to you, His power to be weak. Not because He doesn’t have power, but because your choice is well, I, I guess I can choose that, you maybe, ok, ok, I’ll try, I’ll try, I’ll choose that. No, no, it’s I am committed to this choice before You, now, help, support me, and He will come in with that with a power that gives you the power of that choice. It’s incredible. If you have a lingering sin it’s because you want the thing! And there’s no power of God coming in it because you really, really have chosen it. We’re responsible to that degree. That’s both frightening and liberating. So, I just wanted to go back over the choice thing. Because that’s what Satan did, Satan chose, and he said, “I will, I will, I will”, five times. I will, that’s Gethsemane, I will do Your will; I don’t want it but I will do it. I dread it, but I will do it. Not my will, but Your will, therein is the choice. There’s the proof, the Son of God had to choose, as, as a, God incarnate in a human being; still He had to choose. And that choice was against Himself. That’s what we won’t do. We won’t choose against ourselves, but we can do it. It can be done.
(J) But as one going through it, it’s not… It can be I’m sure, but it, there is a gamut of emotions in it. It’s uhmm, it’s painful and it’s anchoring it’s rage-filled and it’s hurtful and it’s glorious and it’s wonderful and it’s freeing and it’s liberating, all at the same time. I’m having to go through this in a situation in my life, and I can’t tell you that it’s, there is not a pain here in this. This isn’t something that ‘oh, yayyy’, ‘Pollyanna’ garbage; the cross hurts. So I’m not gonna tell you that this process is gonna be some ‘Pollyanna’ skip-to-my-Lou, because it’s not. It’s gonna hurt! And when you hurt, you can’t say this isn’t part of it because it’s not ‘Pollyanna’. Well, that’s garbage, that’s not how we work; that’s not how I roll. I, it’s painful; the cross is painful in this place in my life. It’s lifetime of choices that I’m having to choose against. But there’s … I have commitment in this. I have commitment in these choices (John is speaking with deep emotion) that I’ve made wrongly, but I, there is a commitment, there was life, there was energy, there was investment, wrongly so. But it’s painful to cut these ties that have held hopes of mine, that have held dreams of mine, that have had anticipation of some fulfillment in. But I’m having to say, no, that’s not where you’re gonna get those; but it’s not pain-free; (John is crying as he speaks) it’s not pain free. I’m angry, but I’m angry about some poison that I’ve, I’ve skewered on one of those hooks that you hook a fish with into my body and I’m sitting there with it sitting through my body. It’s painful, yes; it’s stupid that I put it there, but there was a hope, there was some anticipation behind it. And I’m sorry, I’m real sorry that I have pain towards it. I wish I could say, oh, it’s nothing, ‘pop’, and it’s over. But if it wasn’t tied to my heart…
(Carole) I didn’t know how to bring, I didn’t know how to get there, because that’s what the issue is, the heart. And if we close our hearts we won’t make the choices that we need to make. I don’t know if I’m saying this right. I just stopped. The Lord had me go to Ecclesiastes yesterday, He opened it. And there’s this blaring quote, it says, “God is more interested in the things on our hearts, however rough, than He is in the polished words we use to impress Him.” That is so deep. And, and if we, if we don’t let, if we are, if we are hell-bent on impressing Him with our words and our deeds, we will never hear in our hearts what He wants to expose. We’ll never, we’ll never hear, we’ll never respond with our hearts, and He doesn’t care about all that external stuff apparently. He cares about what we have built our hearts, the foundations of our hearts; and when He brings the cross to our hearts, it hurts. It’s supposed to hurt. I believe it’s supposed to hurt. It’s supposed to kill us. It’s, we’re supposed to feel it, because we won’t be rid of it any other way. Death hurts! (Speaking with deep emotion) To watch somebody die, hurts my heart, and I don’t like it. I don’t like it, (Carole is crying) but it’s supposed to hurt so that my heart can be attached to something else other than myself. And there’s a death that takes place; a real death that takes place, its no external, its not, its not ‘willy-nilly’, its real. And I think until that real takes place there is no death. Of course it hurts. And I want Him to deal with my heart, but if I’m not willing to open up my heart and say ok, ok You can have access to it, (she’s crying) that’s a choice; that’s got to be a huge choice to say ok, I’m scared to death to open up my heart to you, I don’t know what You’re going to do with it; it’s already been trampled on, by me. It is about the heart. It is about the heart. It isn’t even the choice in the head, though that is, it’s a place of choice is in the head, in your will. But there’s a choice in the heart that goes beyond that somehow.
(Gunter) It has to hurt. If it wouldn’t be hurtin, we’d just flip it away like that. God wouldn’t be real. Look at what the Jesus went through, how He hurt on the cross; what He had to stand for. Our hurts are just minor. If it wouldn’t hurt, we wouldn’t need God, because I could do it by myself.